i haven’t felt this calm for a while. it feels so good.

my phone ran out of battery and i let it be like that. i was answering Tatu when it happened so uh, not that i didn’t try hi hi. sorry, you can wait, right?

my mind was already at ease so talking to Truc felt even better. our usual trivial little stuffs. and she told me that she would come here to read when she’s tired, to feel peaceful. so i decide to write more. whatever it is that i could do to bring a bit of light and comfort to anyone out there, even if small, i would gladly do that.


yesterday night i was writing.

at first i didn’t intend to do so. i was just reading The Anatomy of Being by Shinji Moon, the personalized poetry book i got from her a long while ago. then i picked a pencil to underline where i liked. then i started writing some short words, which extended to longer threads of thoughts spreading on blank spaces on pages. i also drew.

i wrote a bit this morning, too.

Write hard and clear about what hurts.

— Ernest Hemingway

so i did.

i was wondering why it came so easily. and i suppose, it was because i didn’t feel lonely when i wrote at a place where somebody else already wrote something. it was like we were having a conversation. or not really. we were simply us being human beings, feeling things with all we had, with all of our existence. we were there, spilling our thoughts over the pages and hopefully, hopefully we wouldn’t feel so sad and lonely anymore. whatever kind of connection that was, for whatever reason, no matter how faint, it helped.

Agnes Obel – Close Watch

Never win and never lose
There’s nothing much to choose
Between the right and wrong
Nothing lost and nothing gained
Still things aren’t quite the same
Between you and me

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

I still hear your voice at night
When I turn out the light
And try to settle down
But there’s nothing I can do
‘Cause I can’t live without you
Any way at all

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine
I keep a close watch on this heart of mine


Oh I’m sure
No harm will come to you no more
‘Cause I find myself in your hands
Don’t you be so hard on yourself

Oh oh ooh ooh

i couldn’t sleep last night.

my whole body went cold again, and my head was running wild with thousands of worries and thoughts.

after two hours, i reached for my phone. i called Doina and MattiK. they didn’t pick up.

then MattiK answered me on whatsapp. i asked whether i could call him, he said ok, so i did.

we talked for a while. then since i still didn’t feel like i could sleep, he suggested me to go for a walk, he would still talk to me. so i did.

i went to the lake. it was dark (since, well, 1a.m). the sky full of stars were sparkling above my head. there was a layer of fog floating above the lake surface. the air was crisp. everything was beautiful and quiet.

we talked a bit about me, a bit about him, a bit about the cold, the trees, swimming, stars, city lights, Northern Lights, hare… all the lighthearted and non-lighthearted, all the little things.

i felt better.

it was nice to have somebody to talk to, someone who appreciated the same thing i did, who didn’t go through the same thing as i do and didn’t fully understand me, but acknowledged my feelings without judgement, without nudging me to ‘just get over it’.

i felt calmer, more at ease. and grateful.

thank you. for sticking with me even when i was least lovable.


If you look at the fact that you have a roof over your head, food to eat, that you are young and beautiful and live in a peaceful land, then no, you have nothing to be sad about. But the fact is, we are not only a physical body, we have souls too, and sometimes our souls get sick. If you break a leg you don’t just say ‘I have no reason to have a broken leg’ and ignore it; you seek help. It’s the same when your soul gets hurt. Don’t apologize for being sad.


how to receive love.


Treasure the love you receive above all. It will survive long after your gold and good health have vanished.
— Og Mandino

When it is hard to receive love for fear of the consequence of letting down your defenses, it might be that you are hiding behind cynicism, pride, or trying to remain too emotionally strong, so that you don’t have to face the possible hurts that loving might bring or facing aspects about yourself that you don’t like. It is important to learn to receive love and to appreciate that you are loved too, so that your own sense of self can be whole. Here are some thoughts to help you learn to receive love and how to keep it.

Trust people when they tell you that they love you. Whether it be an intimate relationship, a friendship, or a family relationship, it is important to accept the declaration of love at face value. If you are pushing aside the gift of their love for you because you are afraid that they do not mean it, then you prevent them from having the chance to prove that they do. It also might push them away from you, so that if you change your mind it may be too late.

Stop fearing loss. A common reason for not being able to receive love is prior experience of losing someone you loved, whether it was from death, a break-up, or for some other reason that has scarred you. If you spend all of your life pushing aside love given to you on the off-chance that the person offering it might withdraw it, you will always feel cynical and unsure, which is not a comfortable or happy place to be. Instead, embrace the love that they are offering and go with the flow, expecting those who offer you love to stay around.

Love yourself. This might be the hardest step of all but if you don’t love yourself that much, receiving love is impossible because you don’t believe that you deserve it. If this is the case, start working on why you can’t love yourself so well, including seeking help to explore the issues involved if needed. Remember that every person is special and that you are very deserving of love.

Let love in and don’t block it. Simply open your heart, live in the moment and cherish the fact that other people care so deeply about you that you are connected, needed, wanted, and included in the affairs and lives of others. Being open and receptive to the love from others can be learned with practice, provided you don’t let cynicism and toughness take over. Let down some of those defenses and pride and let others know that you enjoy their deep care and support for you. And forget about keeping score; love others even if it is not reciprocated. As one large human family, it keeps going around and we receive it back again anyway.

Beware the voices of societal negativity. Social conditioning has a habit of making us feel wary of being effusive about and openly accepting of compliments, generosity, caring, and kind acts, lest we be seen as greedy, prideful, or selfish. Do not push aside the caring, wonderful things people have to say about you just because of such negative overlays; be appreciative and embracing of the love given out by others in all its forms. To do otherwise is to block receipt of love.

Show love. Receiving love is also about expressing love. Kiss your spouse and children, hug your friends, compliment your colleagues, say friendly and complimentary things to the grocery store clerks. Do this regularly.

Watch the experts at receiving love. Children are expert at receiving love because they accept what is said at face value and view receiving love as natural. What is also natural is that being able to receive love creates a balance in which you give and receive in equal measure. Take note of how children manage this beautifully – they ask for help when needed, they give help when asked. They offer compliments without a thought and they accept at face value the compliments that they are given. Re-learning what was once innate for you can restore a lot of happiness and trust in your life.

Source: wikihow

thought about this today…


❝ Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky. ❞

— Rainer Maria Rilke

k-drama: twenty again.


this drama has come to me at the right time and i’ve been loving it so much. thought about writing about it for a while but i knew it wasn’t going to be easy so i kept pushing back. after watching episode 13 today, i decided i shouldn’t delay it any longer.

i love the way Nora has been claiming back her identity. gradually she gets to remember how she used to shine so brightly, see things in people that others wouldn’t, trust and hope and inspire. of course it helps that she has Hyuksuk who never sees her otherwise, who was baffled at how she had been living her life but doesn’t lose faith and doesn’t give up on her.

in this episode, i love the way she refuses to get treated like a child since she is working real hard on her way to independence. we’ve shown enough of how much she’s grateful for all the things Hyuksuk does for her and reminds her of her true self, but she also doesn’t want to rely too much on anyone else now that she has just gotten out of a dependent life. it reminds me of myself now when i find it difficult to balance between being on my own and getting help from others.

it’s the same with how she handles the blame; she puts it where it is due, whether on herself or on somebody else. not exactly the same with my situation but it reminds me of what i do. recently i’ve been blaming myself a lot. but it doesn’t have to be like that, does it? maybe there’s nothing to blame on anyone at all. even if there is, “own it, fix it, move on” like Caroline said. why take it all on myself and keep dwelling on it? dear little Chi, please be kind to yourself.

there’s also the thing with how different her selfish husband Woochul and Hyunsuk treat Nora. not related to me, but it makes me think.

Nora to Woochul, “it was your back…. it was like seeing the back of my father.. i felt a feeling like you were a strong protector for me…. only back then.”

that’s that.

“only back then.”

that was the problem with us once, when we are teens, what we saw in a flash moment in someone, doesn’t last.
in fact we may mistaken what we saw as the Real Person in someone we thought we loved. even the feeling we felt once, when we said we can die for our College Senior, even this feeling of love is not love itself.

Nora paid for her fake imagination of being loved and being in love, as her love faded, but she holds on to Minsoo and still trying to like Woochul as a wife. i am pleased to realised finally she did not at all loved Woochul, and that is enough for me to know for this ep.

Nora, “the reason why I want a divorce is because I’ve discovered why I lost my former self, and became a clueless person. You made me that way….”

obviously, that treasure box help in founding her “self”.

just before this confrontation, Hyunsuk said that to her, “It was only you who saw that an odd, sensitive boy like me had talent…you believed in me, you were the only one who helped me become who I am today… you were the reason I kept going, because of you, I lived out my dream. Don’t forget who you were.”

even at that moment, it is still about Nora that Hyunsuk is concerned with, not about himself. Time that Nora realized, she was such an awesome person, not just a glittering dancer that “can talk with dance-moves”. Not many people can be blessed with such honour after 20 yrs to have someone come up and tell you, you are the one who inspired his success, not just before he loved you for 20 years, but because you are awesome, you have dreams, fighting spirit, you have once believe in him when everyone don’t. this was the confession that outshine the original “I love you” confession I have been waiting since ep 12 done. To have him saying all the cheesy “I love you” may be thrilling. But his selfless confession aim only for remind her to Wake up to Her-“Self” and live on by this remembrance, is so gratifying.

– Mary of Bethany @ dramabeans


what an awesome drama. i’m so glad it happens.


greenie tree and blue sky.

greenie trees, white clouds, and blue sky.

❝ I am not interested in what Bourdieu, or Kristeva, has to say about grief. I don’t want a grid, I want arms. I don’t want a theory; I want the poem inside me. I want the poem to unfurl like a thousand monks chanting inside me. I want the poem to skewer me, to catapult me into the clouds. I want to sink into the rhythm of your weeping, I want to say, My grief is turning and I have no way to remain still.

I am not interested in feeling by proxy; I go to the hollow when I want to empty, I go to theory when I want to sit with someone else’s thinking, I go to myself when I want to see you. ❞

— ‘Water, Water Everywhere’, Sina Queyras

so we went to Idea Park today.

Chisha bought latte chocolate for herself, latte for Antti, and hot chocolate with cream for me.

she also bought some pyjamas from H&M. but the thing she was most excited about was a new pair of shoes. it was pretty and fitted her nicely indeed. she was happy like a birthday girl.

i went to Esprit but didn’t get anything. then we went to Prisma together. i bought butter, tomato, apple, and pomelo. real food.

Antti drove us back. Chisha passed by Denis (Dennis? Deniss?) to get dinner for her husband then got home to her comfy pyjamas. before parting, Antti and I agreed that we would go to Nomu together with Dean at some point. i loved the food there last time when i visited it with Doina and would want to come back, Antti had never been there before but heard about it and would want to try out, and Dean would be all for sushi and Japanese food. that would be nice.


things seem to be normal again.

no matter what kind of pain i carry in my heart, life keeps going on.

do i regret the crazy things i did?

yes i do.

but if i had another chance to do it all over again, would i have denied to experience it all?

probably not.

it’s a part of me now. maybe not the things i’m most proud of, but still a part of me. me when i was struggling so much, me when i was most vulnerable, me when i desperately wanted to break free and tried every single thing i could with hope i could find life to be possible again.

and in a way, it is now.

i’m still not sure how but i got out of another storm, alive. sad but calmer, more at peace with my heart.


these days i do meditation, do yoga, read, write, cook, draw a little, knit a little.

home fragrance oil. chamomile tea at night.

exchange messages to people every day. push myself to have real interaction at least once a week aka meeting friends and feeling myself laughing genuinely.

do things slowly, but immerse and enjoy them thoroughly.

be in awareness. live.

i’m at a good place now.

*got to know this song today from An Rei. :)

Riverside – Agnes Obel

Down by the river by the boats
Where everybody goes to be alone
Where you won’t see any rising sun
Down to the river we will run

When by the water we drink to the dregs
Look at the stones on the river bed
I can tell from your eyes
You’ve never been by the riverside

Down by the water the riverbed
Somebody calls you somebody says
Swim with the current and float away
Down by the river everyday

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep
And I don’t know why I go the way
Down by the riverside

When that old river runs pass your eyes
To wash off the dirt on the riverside
Go to the water so very near
The river will be your eyes and ears

I walk to the borders on my own
To fall in the water just like a stone
Chilled to the marrow in them bones
Why do I go here all alone

Oh my God I see how everything is torn in the river deep
And I don’t know why I go the way
Down by the riverside

Oh oh, hey hey [x3]

Down by the riverside [x2]


❝Nuuskamuikkunen kulki hiljaisin tassuttelevin askelin, metsä ympäröi hänet ja alkoi sataa. Sade putoili hänen vihreälle hatulleen ja sadetakilleen, joka sekin oli vihreä, kaikkialla kuiski ja pisaroi, ja metsä kätki hänet lempeään ja suloiseen yksinäisyyteensä.❞

— Muuminlaakson Marraskuu, Tove Jansson

another beautiful sunny day.

my heart has been much more at ease.

whenever my thoughts crawled back to something hurtful, i would stop at a certain name and block it there.

people said that when you repeat a word for long enough, it would lose its meaning.

but it hasn’t lost its meaning to me yet. echoed in my head. flashes of images, voices, softness. questions that hadn’t been answered.

doesn’t matter though. things were moving in motion and at the time when the autumn leaves were falling and falling nonstop, floating in the air in the dance of their own, i told myself “this moment is real”, and i was fine.


yoga was a bit longer than expected and nicer than expected.

i could do upward facing dog quite swiftly and easily now, which made me enjoy it more and actually look forward to it every day.

it’s nice to experience what Adriene describes as building space and building strength. it’s nice to feel stronger.

the other day when i started feeling really connected to my body, it was a m a z i n g.

wonderful. love it.


i also start trying to gain back my weight.

when i was in Helsinki, i jumped on the scale after breakfast and with clothes before going out and all, and it was 44.3kg.

i think i know my body rather well by now, and i knew i dropped below 45kg a couple of weeks ago, right before i met MattiK, but it was still upsetting.

it didn’t help with the war in my mind, at some point it felt as if all the energy was sucked out of my body to an invisible vacuum cleaner somewhere.

but i’m getting better.

being here on my own, i can’t be weak.

i want to find my brilliant and magnetic self back.

still quite naive but a bit more mature now, i hope to keep growing beautifully.