A way out.

I was closing my eyes and thinking about what makes me happy. I couldn’t think of any. With all the acceptance I made for myself, I have been in better mood. However, that familiar heavy sadness keeps creeping in. Day by day, little by little. I’m afraid if this keeps up, I might fall back to the depressing state I was in before. And what if the option of going away is not available anymore?

Well, at least the weather has been good. The cloud filled up the sky in the early morning, but then the sunshine appeared and shined through the day. When I was waiting for the green streetlight on the way from Lidl to S, I vaguely had the feeling the guy who was walking his dog was looking at me. Not the curious way I often get from people, but it seemed he was interested. Maybe in the way I dressed up differently with other people, or the way I was playing with my nose and my lips when I was thinking about what to do for my mother’s birthday and my turquoise nails with tiny glitters like dust were sparkling under the sun. Whatever it was, he was interested. And it left quite a sweet feeling at the end. If only I had the courage to look at him even once.

Truc visited us today. She was determined to go back home to sleep. Otherwise, she could have stayed and we could watch A Gentleman’s Dignity the nearly end episode tomorrow. I think I like watching dramas with her. And as selfish as it may sound, I think I would like to spend time with her out there more than being here in FH. This place is not for me, no matter how much I told myself it would.

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