I wasn’t sure how I felt in the morning, but now I know I had a good day.
I had a straight sleep last night. When I woke up I thought it must be around 2 or 3 or 4a.m as usual and I would have tried to get back to sleep again, but it was actually 6:28a.m which was only 2 minutes earlier than the time I planned on waking up. I didn’t remember what I dreamed of, but I think there was no nightmares.
I was a bit late for the walk, but I managed to get back on time for breakfast with Kasia. The class went by normally. During lunch, I was pleasantly surrounded by Sofia, Katariina, and Kasia – the three people I want to be with the most now. I had piano lesson with Pati afterwards, in which I learned about the chords. I was with Katariina again during coffee afternoon, which was nice of course. Then I went for a walk with Kasia, Aurora, and Edgars. It was totally out of the blue. I wasn’t sure at first because I wasn’t having the best mood to be with people, but I gave it a try anyway. I don’t intend to stay away from people forever and it can’t hurt much with a small step. And it turned out to be fun indeed, especially with the “little friend who speaks better English”. I talked to Oanh a bit before dinner, which was actually enjoyable; I hadn’t spent much time with my Vietnamese friends here recently. After dinner, I went for another walk with Mette. I liked it. She’s the only person from music group that I can really talk to.
The day was filled with things I want to do and people I want to spend time with. There wasn’t any unpleasant moments. I have been going out for a walk every morning as well as meditating 5-10 minutes everyday as Katariina suggested. I have been trying to finish all the food on my tray even if I don’t like it very much, and it gives me a sense of achievement and healthier body, although it means I have to stay longer at the table. I haven’t had headaches as much as I used to. I don’t try to force myself too much.
I also received the reply from Katja – my school psychologist at HAMK. It came kind of late, but it still relieved the burden in my heart somehow.
I think I’m letting go. There’s not much I can do anymore. If something is bound to happen, it will. I can’t just sit here and wait. I need to live on with my life, believing I will make it to be beautiful.
I hope you will have a beautiful life, too. I wished to be in it, but maybe we were not meant to be.