Since yesterday, I have been trying to be more honest with myself. Usually, whenever I find something uncomfortable, I find reasons for it so that I would feel better about the whole thing. Then at some point I don’t remember exactly when, I really had to ask myself why everything is so beautiful and I’m so unhappy. The first thing which came to my mind was because of one person. I thought he must have liked me so I didn’t prepare mentally for a future without him in it. So I admitted that I like him, despite all the reasons I’ve summed up to convince myself that I need to stop. “Ah, so I like this person. It’s okay to like him”. When I stopped trying so hard to fight my own emotions, it felt as if I took a heavy giant rock off my chest. It felt light. Then it came to all the troubles which have been hanging above my head: the upcoming test, money, visa, apartment, job, future study. Of course the relationships I have with people were counted, too. And all the very little things I told myself I need to do but I haven’t. There are simply too many things I put on my shoulders, plus the pressure I create for myself to finish them all. No wonder why none of the best reasons I could I think of to live on this life could cover up for the unhappiness. The reasons why I’m happy and the reasons why I’m unhappy are different anyway, they cannot cover for each other. From now on, I will take things as they are. If I’m happy, be happy. If I’m sad, be sad. If I’m angry, be angry. If I’m not satisfied with the way things are, do something about it.
Although I didn’t do much of anything today, I remember I laughed a lot. Like the time when Alex dropped the chicken thigh to the table on the way from the oven to the plate, he turned back only to realize I witnessed the whole scene. I made a small sound as if I wanted to laugh but I held back, and it made both Alex and Ivan laugh in a good way. Alex said “It wasn’t funny!” while he was laughing. He also watched it closely when Ivan did the same process : D. Or like the time when we talked about how we call things differently in the North and the South of Vietnam, which was really funny especially when we got pretty confused towards the end.
“Old” memories made me smile, too. Khoa and his cross-legged pose on the chair. Khoa again when he turned to Vlad: “Sää on kaunis”, then he clarified “Sää, ei sinä (sä)”, and Vlad’s reaction of hiding his face to his arms on the table. And the beautiful dawn when the sun was rising, gradually spreading its smooth silky blanket of light, and the tops of the tree branches were sparkling.
And this video made me realize Finnish summer is something I will forever be in love with.