I called him “Perhaps”. He was faraway even when he was right next to me. I would always have to guess, what he was thinking, what he was feeling. He was full of possibilities, perhaps he could be like this and perhaps he could be like that. Sometimes I didn’t understand his actions at all. I wanted to get close to him, but I didn’t know how. Maybe I lost the chance, when I unintentionally chose a side – not his side.

I dreamed of him. In my dream, he kissed me gently. Everything was soft and airy and white. I was half-asleep when he came. He kissed on my lips, on the hollow of my collarbone. Then he left. After a while, I got to know that he had a girlfriend. He might have now, in reality. That, I wouldn’t know of.

Sometimes I dreamed of him like that. It was sad every time. I remember last time it was so sad I cried in the dream and woke up to find myself continue crying. I didn’t know why it turned out like that. He might very well be just a child without much thoughts. I might have made him to be more mysterious than he actually was. I guess the fact that I knew he liked me but he never said it nor pulled me a bit closer bothered me. He was cold and the other person was warm. He was just there nonchalantly while the other person did all he could to prove he liked me. After that I was so hurt and so in pain with the other person, but he remained in the distance and drifted further and further away. All he could have done was telling me I was destroying myself, grabbing my hand again and preventing me from sinking deeper and deeper to that terribly awful relationship. All I knew was that he didn’t like me enough and he didn’t care enough. I understood, since it was such a drama which was best to stay away from, and he wouldn’t break the rule of the manhood with the other person because of me. Still, it didn’t hurt me any less.

I really had no idea the after-effect would continue for so long… I thought I forgot all the pains when I trained myself to not think any further whenever my thoughts wander near that area. But apparently, the scar remained.


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