20150916 part 2

turned out, it rained.

when i woke up to talk to Doina before she left this morning, she told me i should go back to sleep since i went to bed at around 1a.m.

i said i don’t sleep much these days. she gave me the look and said, “you don’t eat much and don’t sleep much either, not wondering why you haven’t disappeared yet?”

nearly slipped out “oh i wish i could”. luckily i didn’t, only smiled. Doina doesn’t need that in the morning. 😛

 

after yoga, i actually felt tired so i did go back to sleep.

the rain woke me up, and it put me in this grey space where i felt my heart sinking again.

somehow i still managed to take a shower, do my skincare routine, and have a nice breakfast.

it might have something to do with the photos MattiK sent me, in which i look like a stick. i thought, “this is not what i want to look like”. although i’ve always been in the thinner side, now i seem to look even more fragile than ever. i hope my weight doesn’t go under 45… although most probably it does.

not to try so hard though. whenever i try to push myself too hard, things usually turn to the opposite direction.

 

neither Doina nor MattiK use the electric water boiler, which i actually like it that way.

there’s something therapeutic in doing things slowly, enjoying each step.

my current skincare routine is like that as well. like a little massage ritual that adds more “oomph” to the mind.

 

i’ve been feeling better when the day progresses.

i’ve been in such a vulnerable place that i had to push myself hard to reach out for help, but at the same time i must learn that everyone has their own lives and i can’t bother them forever.

they could only do so much to give me strength, i should be the one who takes it and makes good use of it. this is my life after all, no one is going to live it but me.

thinking like that does make me feel lonely since admittedly, i wish there could be someone with whom could share how our days have been going on and tell each other about the little interesting things. but really, ain’t no one has time for that.

i wish there was some connections somewhere i could hang onto… but i guess i need to find my footing again, on my own.

gosh, i was doing so well wasnt i, when and how did it come to this..

recently i’ve been watching Twenty Again, a korean drama about a 38-year-old woman who thought she was going to die. she tries to live differently, and with the help of her friends she gradually remembers what kind of a person she used to be – bright, cheerful, fearless.

it’s a rom-com which is fun to watch, and it makes me think about me of the past too.

particularly the time when i was in Lärkkulla Karjaa. “Aurinko Chi” didn’t come out from nowhere, i did radiate warmth and light even with burdens on my shoulder and pains in my heart.

where did that person go, i need to find her back.

get rid of useless thoughts, resist the urge to do silly things.

you can do this, Chi.

believe yourself a little bit more. trust life a little bit more.

when there’s a will, there will be a way.

 

*listened to this song in the early morning

totally fitting.

❝But a small light that won’t go out

Is twinkling and living here

Even when everything in the world dies and is reborn

And gets old again

Only this heart doesn’t get wrinkles

And it’s twinkling and living here❞

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