❝I don’t want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it’s like we go through life with our antennas bouncing off one another, continuously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us. Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along in an efficient, polite manner. “Here’s your change.” “Paper or plastic?’ “Credit or debit?” “You want ketchup with that?” I don’t want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don’t want to give that up. I don’t want to be an ant, you know?❞
— Waking Life, 2001
Ylöjärvi & Helvetinjärvi.
socks that coincidentally matched with the grass and the ‘doormat’.
no energy in the morning, but managed to walk 11km plus climbed for real for the first time in the afternoon after only a nap and a bit of food. not bad, Chi. don’t question your strength too much, let it surprise you sometimes.
Kirkaanniemi & Tampere.
walked through a shortcut which wasn’t really a shortcut. had sausages and tea at a beautiful laavu (which couldn’t be captured by a narrow lens..). learned better on how to choose a knife, how to test it, and how to grill sausages. it also rained, but that was another chance to use the sky umbrella, heh.
if only all these walking and cold didn’t accumulate all in two days straight…
the cream for feet did help a lot.
and the group hug moment when two of my favorite persons held me tightly in their arms, i felt a spark of warmth spread through my whole body. happiness, happiness, happiness.
although, later on, i caused them lots of troubles…
was it because of the moon or my exhaustion or anything and everything combined, i don’t know
but i was in a totally vulnerable place where i felt allergic to the whole world and probably most of all to myself
everything was too much and at the same time nothing was enough.
utterly lonely, helpless.
my mind was at war.
even when i wasn’t alone and there was this strong embrace that held me to this dear life, i couldn’t help but feel the need to resist it.
why is it that i push away all the things that i desperately need?
and the closed, suffocating, limited life i put myself into, how do i break away from it and be myself again?
i need to feel life is possible.
“you’re not here at all”.
i wish i could say “please be my anchor for a little while”, but i was too busy blocking out my thoughts and my fears – the thoughts on future which flush through and leave my whole body cold, and the fears of burdening other people and seeing them leaving me.
so i was just there, being in my own grey space.
growing up is so painful. and it doesn’t help that everything i feel is so often to the max. people could say that’s a blessing, to feel so much, to feel alive; but it’s exhausting, and it’s hard for others to understand.
then the cat came. (i like to think it came back because i did. brah.)
holding this warm and alive creature in my arms, listening to its purring sound, i was suddenly at ease again. not totally, but much better. calmer, more gentle. felt like i could smile again.
thought about mom, about how i saw her and my sister in a whole new light when i finally could understand somehow about motherhood. their sacrifices, their difficulties, but they wouldn’t trade it for the world. and their wish that their children would be healthy.
and thought about my existence…
Sunday evening i was at Doina’s place.
we talked a bit, had tea and plum pie. watched another episode of Healer.
she showed me the dance to a song, which she and her brother and sister stood in a row on the street and danced along. it was super cute.
we went through her Iceland photos. they were amazing, many of them made me feel things. traveling has been sounding less intimidating and growingly interesting.
for a moment, it was all right.
Immo gave me a ride back to Valkeakoski on Monday morning.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.
. a maintenance man came to fix the bathroom light and the heater in the main room. he was very nice, smiley and friendly and all.
. i painted my nails the colors of autumn. won’t keep it for long, just for some fun.
. took a picture of the scratch from climbing the other day. it was bleeding bright red at the time and MattiK used the leaves to brush it off, ha ha. i had some other small scratches and bruises on my legs as well, but i count it as achievements. the strange thing is, apart from having some ‘sensation’ in the feet which disappeared quite quickly, my legs were totally fine. thought they were weak but maybe in reality they’re not? not only i have magic hands but i also have magic legs? hmmmm ~
. Doina’s plum pie and MattiK’s chaga mushroom ♥ ♥ ♥