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❝Nuuskamuikkunen kulki hiljaisin tassuttelevin askelin, metsä ympäröi hänet ja alkoi sataa. Sade putoili hänen vihreälle hatulleen ja sadetakilleen, joka sekin oli vihreä, kaikkialla kuiski ja pisaroi, ja metsä kätki hänet lempeään ja suloiseen yksinäisyyteensä.❞

— Muuminlaakson Marraskuu, Tove Jansson

another beautiful sunny day.

my heart has been much more at ease.

whenever my thoughts crawled back to something hurtful, i would stop at a certain name and block it there.

people said that when you repeat a word for long enough, it would lose its meaning.

but it hasn’t lost its meaning to me yet. echoed in my head. flashes of images, voices, softness. questions that hadn’t been answered.

doesn’t matter though. things were moving in motion and at the time when the autumn leaves were falling and falling nonstop, floating in the air in the dance of their own, i told myself “this moment is real”, and i was fine.

 

yoga was a bit longer than expected and nicer than expected.

i could do upward facing dog quite swiftly and easily now, which made me enjoy it more and actually look forward to it every day.

it’s nice to experience what Adriene describes as building space and building strength. it’s nice to feel stronger.

the other day when i started feeling really connected to my body, it was a m a z i n g.

wonderful. love it.

 

i also start trying to gain back my weight.

when i was in Helsinki, i jumped on the scale after breakfast and with clothes before going out and all, and it was 44.3kg.

i think i know my body rather well by now, and i knew i dropped below 45kg a couple of weeks ago, right before i met MattiK, but it was still upsetting.

it didn’t help with the war in my mind, at some point it felt as if all the energy was sucked out of my body to an invisible vacuum cleaner somewhere.

but i’m getting better.

being here on my own, i can’t be weak.

i want to find my brilliant and magnetic self back.

still quite naive but a bit more mature now, i hope to keep growing beautifully.

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