❝ I am not interested in what Bourdieu, or Kristeva, has to say about grief. I don’t want a grid, I want arms. I don’t want a theory; I want the poem inside me. I want the poem to unfurl like a thousand monks chanting inside me. I want the poem to skewer me, to catapult me into the clouds. I want to sink into the rhythm of your weeping, I want to say, My grief is turning and I have no way to remain still.
I am not interested in feeling by proxy; I go to the hollow when I want to empty, I go to theory when I want to sit with someone else’s thinking, I go to myself when I want to see you. ❞
— ‘Water, Water Everywhere’, Sina Queyras
so we went to Idea Park today.
Chisha bought latte chocolate for herself, latte for Antti, and hot chocolate with cream for me.
she also bought some pyjamas from H&M. but the thing she was most excited about was a new pair of shoes. it was pretty and fitted her nicely indeed. she was happy like a birthday girl.
i went to Esprit but didn’t get anything. then we went to Prisma together. i bought butter, tomato, apple, and pomelo. real food.
Antti drove us back. Chisha passed by Denis (Dennis? Deniss?) to get dinner for her husband then got home to her comfy pyjamas. before parting, Antti and I agreed that we would go to Nomu together with Dean at some point. i loved the food there last time when i visited it with Doina and would want to come back, Antti had never been there before but heard about it and would want to try out, and Dean would be all for sushi and Japanese food. that would be nice.
things seem to be normal again.
no matter what kind of pain i carry in my heart, life keeps going on.
do i regret the crazy things i did?
yes i do.
but if i had another chance to do it all over again, would i have denied to experience it all?
it’s a part of me now. maybe not the things i’m most proud of, but still a part of me. me when i was struggling so much, me when i was most vulnerable, me when i desperately wanted to break free and tried every single thing i could with hope i could find life to be possible again.
and in a way, it is now.
i’m still not sure how but i got out of another storm, alive. sad but calmer, more at peace with my heart.
these days i do meditation, do yoga, read, write, cook, draw a little, knit a little.
home fragrance oil. chamomile tea at night.
exchange messages to people every day. push myself to have real interaction at least once a week aka meeting friends and feeling myself laughing genuinely.
do things slowly, but immerse and enjoy them thoroughly.
be in awareness. live.
i’m at a good place now.