i suppose i could say there were three things that my life centered around this month.
first was pollen allergy (birch pollen, to be exact). for the first time ever, i knew how it felt like. back then in summer 2012, when i saw Dean and Truc struggling with it, i remembered telling myself it was a good thing i didn’t have it. now, i experienced it first-hand. what a twist of fate, i had always thought May was the most beautiful month in Finland (it still is, but… T_T). anyway, this allergy should be over pretty soon.
second was my relationship. we were a lot closer and i became a lot more at ease now. we took care of serious issues, and we enjoyed our little silly moments together. i’m incredibly happy with this man – and in a way, i still feel that this is an understatement. 🙂
third was my job. i got used to it and found small joys every now and then. gained experience and was pretty confident by the time i got the third house to take care of. most importantly, although it was still tough toward the end of the month, i didn’t have to ask money from my family anymore – which was definitely a good start.
i still did yoga regularly. not much reading and writing (went out a lot and these two were pushed much down in priority list, especially writing since i took many pictures and noted on facebook instead). music i liked this month was BTS (Save Me, Young Forever, Butterfly), Jessica (she released her first solo album – Fly), and Imagine Dragon (on top of my mind now are Demons, On Top of the World, and America). as for movies: Whisper of the Heart (re-watch, and it reminded me of how wonderful it was. the good feeling lingered long after), The Grand Budapest Hotel, The Intern, Alice in Wonderland, and Fantastic Mr. Fox.
and last but not least, quotes from an article i liked:
❝I sense that you’re still not sure you deserve the happiness you’ve found. And I can’t tell you that you do deserve it, because I just don’t think the world works that way. We all know many spectacularly lousy human beings—selfish, greedy, mean-spirited—who seem to have it all: love, luck, money, career, plush white carpeting that never looks dirty. And we all also know too many wonderful human beings—compassionate, kind, generous—who seem to be slammed again and again with appalling misfortune and can’t catch a break.
So let’s skip the “Do you deserve it?” angle, shall we? I’m smart, but I’m certainly not smart enough to make sense of the universe’s notoriously perverse ways of operating. The jury’s out on deserving. Maybe we deserve everything we get; maybe we deserve nothing we get, and it’s all random rain and rainbows.
Yes, let’s strip away this iffy existential question of deservedness, which I think is eating at you and complicating matters.❞
❝Don’t tell anyone, but I’m always reading interviews with elderly couples who have been married for decades (it’s a genre, if you know where to look). Their marriages aren’t perfect, not by a long shot. But time and time again, I recognize something in the words of these longtime partners that many relationships seem to be lacking today—trust in their choice of spouse, and simple faith that neither one of them was going anywhere. The longest-marrieds somehow managed—despite infidelity, illness, loss of children, infertility, wartime, poverty, you name it—to keep that radical trust in their relationships even when it wasn’t merited and even when hope was in short supply. They stuck around. They showed up. They didn’t overthink it. They chose their partners once (maybe not even very well, maybe hastily) and they simply decided to keep choosing their partners, every day, no matter what.❞
❝I applaud you both for doing whatever bad-ass soul-searching got you to a healthy enough place to find someone truly kind-hearted and ready to love. If I believed in “deserved” I might even go so far as to say that you both do, in fact, deserve this stroke of luck and love.
I won’t say that. But I will say this: You can accept it by just showing up. Every day. You can’t predict the future. You can’t know what will come. But isn’t that a relief, in a way? It’s not your place to worry, because if you keep showing up and you keep trusting your choice and you keep loving this man, then you’re doing your part. You’re doing all you can, and that’s better than enough.
In this case, it sounds like that’s what he’s doing too. He’s made it clear: you’re his choice.
So it might take some time, Too Good, for you to stop prepaying for future worry. This is a process like anything else. It’s hard to be sad, but it’s also hard to be happy when you’re not used to it.
It just means you really, really care. But I’m a little superstitious when I’m feeling too happy, too. So I’ll tell you my trick: Every time I’m sure the universe has handed me something that feels too good to be true, I shut my mouth, I close my eyes, and I silently think, THANK YOU.
If I’m still panicking, I’ll say it out loud. As many times as I need to before my heart slows its galloping toward assumptions of doom and imminent disaster and humiliation.
There really IS something to gratitude. And when gratitude and radical trust in the universe go hand in hand, well, I’ve seen some pretty magical things happen.
Just keep showing up, Too Good. Just keep choosing him, and let him keep choosing you.❞