Một trong những điều em thấy may mắn nhất, là được làm em gái của chị.
: )
Dù không nói gì, nhưng em thật sự rất vui khi nhận tin (tin gì thì chị biết nhé!). Mẹ cũng đã gửi ảnh cho em xem. Có lẽ trong năm nay, đây là điều đáng mừng nhất!
Chúc chị mạnh khỏe thật nhiều và hạnh phúc thật nhiều ~
Nhớ chị…
- Khánh Chi
Phòng chị, nhà mình. … : )
We had a farewell party today. Uno was the game so I could join. It was as if there were two sides: a side who always won, and a side who always lost (aka drinking a glass of beer every single time they lost). I’m in the win side together with Duong and Nhung. The other side included Huy, Dieu, and Phat. The win side only drank a bit when it came towards the end. It was very funny.
Then the guys played a football game, and us girls talked while making braids to Dieu’s hair. The finish touch was “Pajutie’s tradition”: updating each other’s facebook statuses. Totally crazy and silly and fun. Who knows when we will be able to do it again like that…
I started feeling down when I was walking home. The smell of summer reminded me of how beautiful it was to have friends around, especially the summer of two years ago. I wonder whether it’s worth it, to try so hard to simply be here alone.
It only got a bit better when I received a facebook message from Michael H. G.. He has been constantly checking up on me to see whether I’m okay. And very often, what he says makes me feel better.
Let’s try harder, and “chin up”.
*Quote known from hana.
Some days are terribly lonely. And therefore, terribly sad.
It was a lunch at school. They sat at one side of a long table, face to face. The girl had short hair, some of them turned to different directions which made her look like a little cute bird. The boy looked neat and relaxed. They talked to each other while having lunch. They laughed often. The sun shined through the window, covered them in soft light. They seemed to be incredibly happy, although they might not know it.
There was something special about them. The space around them felt somehow comfortable, and kind. It’s the space the crowd cannot touch.
I didn’t bring my camera with me. Even if I did, maybe I wouldn’t have the guts to take pictures of them. Not only because I don’t normally take pictures of strangers, but also because the moments seemed so precious and fragile…
It was, again, another dream.
Let’s not talk about the previous part because it’s related to the part I had many conflict feelings about. In the later part, there were 2 guys who liked me. For approximately 2 months already. They were brothers. We were all working for a play that was later on recorded. We had great time doing it together, finishing it, watching the result, and having a meal to celebrate in the end.
I passed by their home. Their mom was there, but she was not with us all the time. The younger brother went somewhere for some reason.
The older brother and I watched a movie together. At some point, the tiredness hit me because of all the work that was done during the day. I fell asleep.
He took a blanket to cover me, let aside my hair, and kissed on my forehead. I could still feel his gaze while he continued watching the movie. He was caressing my back while I sleep, too. It was comfortable and relaxing.
Maybe I was having a bad dream (dream in a dream!). My expression was sad and the tears started falling down.
He immediately came closer, gently pulled me into his arms. Whenever I sobbed, he held me tighter, but not any less gently.
His arms were firm. I felt protected and cared.
The younger brother came back. When he saw us, the older brother said, “I’m sorry. I think I have her now”. He himself and his voice were filled with happiness. I was precious to another person.
….
It was another beautiful dream, but I was sad when I woke up. I knew the reason why I was crying in that dream.
Back then I thought I could not be any sadder, could not shed any more tears. I just underestimated the various ways a person can make me feel so bad.
I had a dream last night. In that dream, everything was beautiful. The trees, the falling leaves, the flowers, the bridge. The colors were vivid. The space was vast and windy.
I was walking, smiling, taking pictures of myself. The camera had a reflecting screen so I could see how I would look in the photos before taking them. I looked pretty and happy.
Then I met a person. He looked through the photos. He saw another girl in the ones I randomly took of everything around, and asked me who she was.
It was really beautiful, the dream.
There was also another beautiful one I had not long ago. I dreamed of the tree out of my window. All its leaves were green, the kind of green that is pure, fresh, and full of vitality. The sun shined through. Its light were bright yellow, and strangely calm. The wind blew, shaping thousands of bokehs above my head. I was standing there, surrounded by the flowing fog. Totally in peace.
And sadness, too.
—-
Doina and Mikko K. checked on my situation. I was getting better. Cried a bit today, too, but better is still better no matter how tiny it is.
My head is hurting more though. This must be crazy in this situation, but I’m seriously considering buying the yoga mat.
—-
Hang has been trying to help me out, too. She virtually hugged me, and asked me to be happy. Because it’s May this month. For her, she said.
Maybe I will write soon about how I do my make-up.
So I cried again yesterday. Nothing new. I just can’t get used to it though. These puffy and dark-circled eyes. Smile-less face.
Maybe it was me who made an elephant out of an ant. Or maybe it was the feeling of being worthless, not being appreciated for anything. Maybe it was the word “cherish” that can never be attained.
“Every step that I take is another mistake to you”…
Mikko K. said it’s not the question of how, it’s the question of what. “What is it that you really want?”.
I know the answer, all along. I simply don’t have enough courage to do it. And the way things are going is not helping.
Life is a matter of choices…
…
I felt small and fragile. I was so in need of surrounding myself with people who love me, appreciate me. I thought of my sister, my parents, and my friends. So I called Doina. We talked for about an hour.
In the end, I stopped crying.
.
While talking to Mi yesterday, Mi said she was also doing yoga. It reminded me of how much I love doing it. From the website she gave me, I found these two adorable yoga mats: Earth Elements and Apple Green with Chocolate Tote. No way of having any of them now, but they are officially put in my wishlist, ready to be in my hands the first second I have chance.
Hmmm… What could possibly be a reasonable substitute for now?
Long went back to Vietnam yesterday. Since we didn’t meet when he left, he called me on his way to airport to say goodbye. How cute.
Phat went to Helsinki this morning, and from there he will also go back to Vietnam soon.
It started to feel empty, the big house.
When I woke up, it was raining. The raindrops flashed on the windows, sounded sad and gloomy.
I was not in exceptionally good mood. However, the tears didn’t feel easy to fall down again. I’m in the kind of hazy sadness that I can only try to not think deeper. Otherwise…
Well, the talk with Linh yesterday helped. She said I must know I deserve better (and she’s not the first one who told me so). For this much sadness I have been going through for so long, happiness will come and cover it up in time. I must believe in it.
I don’t know yet how I’m going to manage, but I have to try.
Gambatte, Chi!
I guess this will be the last day for us to be like this. Dean, Long, Lam, Na, Phat, and I. How fast time passes us by…
I wonder what this life will bring us, what we will become…
Ngày hôm nay của mẹ thế nào? Dù Hà Nội nắng và nóng, con hy vọng ngày này của mẹ vẫn đẹp và vui. Vì đây là tháng Năm. ^^
Lâu không nói chuyện với mẹ, không rõ tình hình của mẹ. Tuy nhiên, con luôn tin là mẹ sẽ ổn trong bất kỳ hoàn cảnh nào (chứ sao nữa, con gái Hà Nội đảm đang và xinh đẹp mà :”)). À, nhưng nếu có gì, thì con ở đây nhé. Đôi khi, chỉ cần ai đó lắng nghe và thấu hiểu thôi, phải không ạ? : p
Mong mẹ luôn thật vui, mạnh khỏe, hạnh phúc.
- “Con”, Windy.
"mẹ" và "con", xanh lá và xanh lá.
Không tin được là mẹ với con lại ít chụp ảnh cùng nhau đến thế :"( Chừng nào gặp lại, nhất định sẽ không chỉ có con làm mẫu cho mẹ hay mẹ làm mẫu cho con, mà sẽ là cả chụp chung nữa nhé? :")
